That Scared Little Girl

We know the saying “Not all that sparkles is gold.” For some of us, we take it a step further. “Nothing that sparkles is gold. It just can’t be. It probably doesn’t even exist.” We’ve made it a way of life. Skeptical. Suspicious. Doubting everything. It can be exhausting when you don’t trust anything or anyone. Even when things are good, you’re constantly wondering when things will finally go wrong. You’re waiting for it because you know it’s coming…

But maybe. Maybe… just maybe… things won’t always go wrong. Maybe things aren’t always bad. Maybe good things can work out. Maybe gold exists?

Slowly, I’m been learning to trust in good again. (By “slowly”, I mean years…) Slowly, I’m trying to break old patterns of thinking. Slowly, I’m learning to occasionally replace negative outlooks with at least less negative outlooks… and slowly, maybe even positive outlooks.

There is hope.

And if you read that and felt discouraged because you think it can’t be for you, I’ll say it again… for you. Yes, you. There is hope. If you’re alive, there’s hope.

I’m beginning to believe that gold exists. Good exists. And maybe I will learn to believe that it is for me.

Why is it that we can want these things for others, but cannot believe that it could be for us? Why can’t we accept good in our lives? Why is it so hard to believe that people may want to love us? Why do we experience tormenting fear and panic when someone approaches with care?

Why is it that we can feel so incapable of being loved even when it’s our heart’s longing?

I don’t have answers right now, but I am searching. I’ve gone through this same cycle enough to recognize it’s pattern. And I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is my war and I will have to fight the good fight to conquer any ground.

My heart knows this: it’s worth it. The freedom. The liberation that’s coming. The inner healing. The life.

This is the true gold. I’m learning to believe it’s real and that it can, and maybe even will happen for me. And you.

What’s your gold? Your battle?

I know it’s hard, but keep fighting the good fight. Keep pressing in. Keep digging deep.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.