That Scared Little Girl

If you’ve been reading along on my journey for awhile, or even if you just started with the last blog (Dear Dad…), you may have noticed that this journey does not come easily or naturally. At times it can be very uncomfortable. It takes a lot of work. And that work can be hard.

After last week’s blog, I found myself in a place of mental and emotional exhaustion. I felt irritable and easily frustrated. I was exhausted and snapping back at work and everything felt unpleasant. I was tired in more than a few ways.

I’ve been reading and working through about 3-4 books on ACA’s, trauma, and healing and everyday I try to read a little so that I can heal and grow. That’s my goal, and when I have a goal, I can get a little tunnel visioned at times. While I know it’s a process that does not have a specific timeline, I also want to work hard to make it happen. However, there was an evening last week when I came home from work, well-intentioned to get to reading and journaling… but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t look at it that day. I couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t process. Couldn’t write…

I just couldn’t go there again. I needed a break. And that’s when I remembered a term I had read in one of my books. It’s called gentleness breaks and they are for moments like this. When you start to feel weighed down and tired from the work, you stop and do something else. Something light. Something fun. Something quiet and simple. Something for you. Ironically, when I first read that, I thought, Yeah but that’s for people who really need it. I’ll be fine. I feel like the universe must have laughed a little.

So I decided to give it a try. It’s not too complicated. It really is just stopping and acknowledging your need. Your need for rest. I intentionally put the books down and closed the journal. I had recorded a Hallmark movie I wanted to see and thought it would be a really nice background as I sat with some snacks and a small notebook and came up with some new blog ideas. I half watched, half listened, wrote, and snacked…

The movie was mediocre, the writing and creating were enjoyable, and the snacks were… well, snacks, but the important thing was that my mind was not working on hard thoughts or feelings. I had stepped out of the dark space I had been occupying and remembered the delicious fresh air and sunlight. My heart relaxed.

And that’s really all I needed…

A gentleness break.