That Scared Little Girl

A few weeks ago I tried something I guess I secretly had always wanted to try, but just didn’t really know about until recently. I went boxing.

A good friend of mine joined a group boxing gym a few months ago and has had really good things to say about it. “Oh my gosh, that sounds like a blast!” I said when she first told me, though I was secretly a little sad that it was only boxing and not kick boxing. “You should come! I have a free class I can share.” She didn’t have to say anything more. Nothing grabs my attention quite like a fun free class with a friend. I love movement, so I was extremely excited to try out this new way of being active.

We rode together and she loaned me a pair of her wraps and gloves. I hadn’t even though about that aspect until then, but when I put them on… oh man, it was an incredible feeling of strength and power. (Plus you look REALLY cool working out with wraps!) Before class started, most likely because I was there for the first time, they have a quick overview of the basic punches. 1. Jab left. 2. Jab right. 3. Hook left. 4. Hook right. 5. Uppercut left. 6. Uppercut right. They would mix up combinations of these moves with a few added ducks and jump backs.

Before we started on the bags, we were warming up and just getting our arms used to the movement. “Boxer bounce,” we were told. I looked around. One foot forward bouncing back and forth. Easy. I got this. Felt weird, but I figured I’d get used to it. “Non-dominate foot forward.” I wasn’t getting it. It was a new (dark) setting and I was already having a hard time understanding her, so I just kept bouncing. The instructor was looking at me. “Switch your feet,” my friend yelled over the music. Oh! Yeah, that made more sense physically. That felt more natural. I was ready to fight.

Our first round was a quick set of things like push-ups and shoulder taps, sit ups, and exercises with weights. I can look back and know with a fair amount of confidence that it was pure excitement and adrenaline that carried me through. I don’t remember even feeling tired. It was like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. The challenge to my body was refreshing and awakening like a spring of cold water. A happy shock to my system. I felt as if I had been waiting my whole life for this feeling.

I imagined every scene of every cop drama I ha ever seen in which the lead female character has a time of intense training and aggression… sometimes after being hurt in some way. It was their come back. Their way of showing up strong. Their way of regaining control. Yeah, that’s it. It felt like regaining some sort of control.

It was a feeling of strength. Power. Confidence. Aggression. In that moment, it felt so healthy to have a space to assert myself in these ways. The force of the impact so physically satisfying. To release anger and stress. To hear the pop as my glove hit the bag. I did that. I am here. I’m not going to ignore myself anymore. I’m not going to ignore what I think or how I feel. I’m going to discover what I like and what I want. I. Am. Here.

At one point, I looked around and noticed that not everyone’s bags were swinging like a yo-yo being rocked back and forth. Huh, I thought. Maybe they don’t have as much anger and stress as I do. (I realized after the fact that they were not supposed to look like a tether ball, but I still think I was giving it a bit more violent force. And I love that.)

When we walked out I felt… light. My mind felt open and free. I was calm. But also happy. I felt amazing and I realized how mentally healthy it felt. I realized that maybe I need a space designated for releasing anger and frustration. A place to strike out at that helpless feeling. A place to be seen and known… to myself.

I had no idea that side of me existed. I had never met this part of me and she seemed pretty cool and tough. She had a lot of fight in her and I liked that.

This only makes me realize even more intensely how much I still have to learn about me. Trying new things has been so therapeutic. It helps me to see that life isn’t all that scary and can be filled with joys. And it helps me to know that there are times when I can be angry and aggressive.

Sometimes it’s ok—maybe even good—to hit things! And quite fun too.

What are some things you have tried to help you learn more about yourself?